Ever thought about the laws that kids would pass if they had the chance? Me neither until today. I was negotiating meal time politics for the umpteenth time and it suddenly struck me that MPs (Mini People) are pretty political in their own little way. So how do their views differ from Members of Parliament? I took an extensive survey (3 MPs; 1 can’t talk, 1 talks mostly about dinosaurs and 1 is so bossy she is most definitely the ‘Speaker of the House’) during a lunch meeting (fish fingers) and here are a few policies from their draft manifesto:
Mini Person Input: “Shopping is boring Mummy. I not like it.”
Interpretation: As much as kids enjoy watching the Primary Carer (PC) sweat whilst negotiating parking spaces in busy car parks they also think shopping is hell on earth, so let’s get this shiz done as quick as possible. If you do not own an MP then you may think wider parking spaces for the PC unfair, but trust me, there is a very real danger of your crumb free vehicle being dented by this PC for one, as I try to get my MPs (x3) out of their corresponding car seats. MPs also come with an entourage of snacks, nappy bags and general fodder paid for by the extraordinary generosity of the tax payer (their PC). This only adds to the difficulty (and time) needed to partake in the activity of shopping. Campaigning for an increase in parent-child parking spaces is in everyone’s best interest. And yes, they do need to be extra wide and right outside the front door – faster shopping for all is definitely on the MP agenda.
Mini person input: “I want barbie house Mummy”
Interpretation: MP has their own, perfectly functional doll house. But they want another one, more American Cribs style than your practical (no swimming pool and fire pit) version. They long for something totally unnecessary that they will initially love and then spend no time at all playing with. But at least they’ll be able to tell their friends about it. And they want to do it at your expense. Hell, maybe they’ll even be able to acquire it without you noticing. What a childlike thing to think. Thank God we grow out of this greedy, irrational behaviour as adults. At least no grown-up would use my money to finance a second home.
Mini Person Input: “He pressed the button laaaast time.”
Interpretation: The current (unwritten but universally understood) policy is as follows: The first MP to the elevator door and/or inside the elevator has first refusal to press the button. If the second MP is destined for a different floor then they may press the alternative button. If the destination is the same and the second MP is under the age of 2 then they may press the same button again whilst we all pretend that the first press was ineffective. This policy also applies to traffic lights.
Mini Person Input: “Mummy? Dinosaurs. RAAAAAHHH”.
Interpretation: We’ll ignore that one
‘Smart’ device Policy
Mini Person Input: Grabs at phone on table repeatedly. Cries if moved away.
Interpretation: The ‘if we can’t touch it then neither can you’ policy. This law clearly states that if the MP is not allowed to grab, throw or stab at the buttons on this so called ‘smart’ device then neither can you. If you don’t want the MP to watch videos (in which they normally feature) then don’t watch them yourself. Do not confuse this policy by downloading ‘educational’ apps on your device and palming the MP off with that. They are much more interested in how many people liked that picture of them looking cute in their Christmas jumper (and how the PC omitted the fact that it was just prior to one of the MP’s more epic shit fits because, man, those things itch). They are not the first MP, nor will they be the last, to enjoy an attention seeking selfie. Remove devices or suffer the consequences.
Mini Person Input: “At school Glenda* pushed in, it was MY turn.”
Current policy states that children must form a queue for the slide. The small print of the policy is rather more complicated and reads as follows:
(i) MPs with an accompanying PC must be extra gracious about queuing and let younger MPs push in front for no reason other than that the aforementioned PC has an eye on them.
(ii) If MPs are unaccompanied then all bets are off and pushing and not queuing may take place.
(iii) Pushing the MP at the top of the slide before they are ready to slide is illegal and punishable with immediate deportation to the back of the queue and/or brief incarceration on the naughty step. There will be one self designated whistleblower stationed by every slide to enforce this.
(iv) MPs who queue and then, for no apparent reason, sit stationary at the top of the slide ensuring no further sliding takes place are either to be (a) removed by PC or (b) subjected to multiple insults (e.g. ‘out my way Pleb’).
*Glenda is made up for the purposes of this policy. If your child is called Glenda tell her not to push in.
So overall if kids were in charge they would probably recommend some ludicrous policies, take more than they are due, be incapable of being in charge of technology without making gaffs, change rules with only self-interest in mind and no doubt fall asleep at inappropriate times. Nothing like Members of Parliament, right? Hmmm. And maybe the two year old bringing up dinosaurs wasn’t totally off topic either.