Things My Children Have Taught Me

1. Time is actually not linear. Fact. When you are trying to get someone to just PUT THEIR BLOODY SHOES ON, seconds turn into loooong minutes. You will be late. But two hour naps fly in the blink of an eye. Absolutely NO time to tidy up which is most definitely what I do in naptime. I absolutely do not crawl into bed and catch up on Teen Mom. But if, for example, I did, then I hypothesise that time would go even quicker and I wouldn’t even get to find out what happened with Farrah, Simon and the engagement sitch (for the purposes of this completely hypothetical example). And don’t even get me started on the hours between 5pm and 7pm. It is an actual mathematical fact that they are the longest hours of the day. The kids like to reiterate this lesson by behaving like total arseholes at this time. Just in case I didn’t notice the eternal hours stretched out in front of me before the universally recognised bedtime of 7pm.

2. You can actually tell what someone has had to eat by their poo. I’ll leave it at that but it sort of leads into point 3…

3. Some people eat ball bearings

4. The order you maintain in your life is not as important as you think it may be. Nothing falls apart if you don’t get the washing done. No one dies if the dishwasher is not unloaded (unless, of course, someone has been loaded into the dishwasher, that is ill advised and may lead to injury and possibly death).

5. Most things you say to a two year old are fundamentally WRONG.

Me-‘ Do you want the blue bowl or the yellow bowl?’
Him- ‘Blue’
Give him the blue bowl
Him- ‘No want that one’
Points at yellow bowl.
Me- ‘That’s the yellow one’
Him- ‘No t’isn’t, it’s boo’.

Far be it for me to point out the blindingly obvious fact that after 28 additional years on this planet I have an advantage on the old colour recognition game. But seriously this guy takes argumentative to the next level.

To him I am an annoying sidekick following him round and telling him stuff he believes is completely inaccurate and fundamentally wrong.

Actually that sidekick would be rather annoying.

6. On the flip side most things you say to a five year old are remembered and absolutely RIGHT. To a five year old any kind of agreement, made by virtue of grunt, nod, or a verbal ‘we’ll see’ is remembered, RIGHT, and legally binding. You agree to stuff and hope they forget but despite the fact that sometimes they can’t remember where they left their right leg they WILL remember that you promised them a treat 6 weeks ago when you were trying to shave your armpits in the shower whilst rocking the baby chair with your toes. They know when to strike with requests and they will remember anything in the affirmative. DO NOT be tricked into agreeing to anything at any point. Hold on – my daughter is just trying to talk to me whilst I’m typing this. ‘What’s that? You want to live in a castle and own a pet dragon darling? We’ll see’. SHIT.
7. There is nothing heavier and more awkward to carry than a newborn’s car seat.

7. There is nothing heavier and more awkward to carry than a newborn’s car seat and a toddler.

7. There is nothing heavier and more awkward to carry than a newborn’s car seat and a toddler having a tantrum.

(Proof of which was witnessed by millions (ball park) of gawping people during our FUN day out which you can relive here)

8. Stuff that is supposed to be ‘natural’ doesn’t feel natural. Did I give birth ‘naturally’? I mean… it didn’t feel very natural to me is all I’m saying. Natural to me means trees, animals and a face of make up that looks subtle but has taken hours to apply. Natural is not having something in your stomach come out of the smallest orifice of your body. My mouth is was bigger than that region. It would have been more natural for me to have vomited the baby out.

9. How to be observant. I spend an inordinate amount of time looking for minuscule ‘ouchies’ on tiny hands and knobbly knees. When I say minuscule, these things are harder to locate than a wireless network signal in North Korea. Although thanks to my new, precise observation skills I also observe a pattern of injuries ceasing to cause complaint when the biscuit tin appears. Doc McStuffin I am not… but if I was, my big book of boo boo’s would certainly contain some ‘Ithinktheyaretakingthepissitus’.

10. Some people are indeed worth melting for (it’s a quote from Frozen for the readers not indoctrinated by Disney). Some people are worth the endless days, sleepless nights, backbreaking carrying and mind numbing boredom. I wouldn’t do this gig for anyone else. (Except maybe Tom Hiddleston, I’d probably do it for him, although I would question why he needed carrying, bit weird.)

This is just a snapshot of what my children have taught me so far… and just to put it into perspective all I really learnt at University was that I couldn’t make roll ups and the more drunk I get the better I become at playing pool (unbelievably it helps my hand eye coordination, or perhaps my opinion of my ability). So it’s safe to say that children have already taught me a fair amount about life. This blogpost is definitely to be continued… but for now, I’ve got a pet dragon to source.

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