Are you preggers? I’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you to a few characters you will meet during your three trimesters (don’t say I didn’t warn you…)
THE KNOW IT ALL
They know the sex of your baby by the shape of your bump, can predict whether it will be early or late from its position and can tell what you had for breakfast by the smell of your burp. They knew you were pregnant before you announced it (‘I could just tell’). Actually scrap that, they knew you were pregnant before you had actually conceived.
THE ‘OH MY GOD YOU’RE ENORMOUS’
This person is normally found at family gatherings and likes to have a chuckle at how LARGE you have become and how quickly. They are best avoided during periods of low self esteem and will often be observed recounting stories of how they actually lost weight during pregnancy and how since childbirth they have toned up immeasurably and gained incredibly strong thighs.
THE ‘THAT HAPPENED TO ME TOO… BUT WORSE’
You are feeling stressed about moving house? They exchanged and completed in between contractions. You have morning sickness? They had morning, noon and night pregnancy induced norovirus. You have heartburn? They had third degree burns on their heart and required skin grafts. You get the picture (they get the whole art gallery)
THE ONE WHO IS IN DENIAL THAT YOU ARE PREGNANT
They want you to still be their fun time friend and quite frankly pregnancy is boresville. They top up your vino regularly, throw sushi parties and insist on girls holidays to far flung places in your third trimester.
So what she already has 5 kids and is pregnant with number 6? She looks great, her kids are immaculate and well behaved and she hurdles over every obstacle thrown at her (I’ve chucked a few) If she gets the flu or something goes wrong then the woman can multitask, I’ve actually seen her stirring baked beans with her toes from her sick bed.
Are you pregnant? Thinking of the labour? Did you know it is going to hurrrrrt. They are going to slice, dice and chop you. You will be in so much pain you’ll wish you were dead and then you will more than likely die. Some scaremongers don’t even have kids, but they did have their appendix out once and watch One Born Every Minute so totes know what they are talking about.
The pregnancy characters take many guises, they may be the stranger in the street, the colleague or the family member but their presence is one of the few definite things about your pregnancy. Perfect your ‘smile and nod’ preggers, you’re gonna need it.