I am of average intelligence, I have a degree, and, in the past, have spent many years working in schools. And yet sometimes, I receive letters and have absolutely no idea what I am supposed to make of them.

My daughter is currently in a dance show and I have practically had to call some sort of helpline to try to fathom out what I am supposed to be doing/making/taking. In fact if you know of any such helpline, please let me know (parentline?).

Here is an example conversation we have when I open (another) letter about dance club. (NB all characters are fictional and scenarios wildly exaggerated- except the ponytail bit- that’s true).

This post is sponsored by ParentMail- contacting you at all hours, about all things, at all times.

(It isn’t).

MUUUUM there’s a letter in my book bag about the dance show- Miss Sandra says we MUST complete the form and hand it in on Monday

Got it

Dear Parents

This is a letter to inform you about the biannual annual manual dance show.

Weird.

It will be taking place approximately 20 miles South of the Dance Studio affiliated with your child’s sibling’s Dance club (DancyPrancyKidz LTD) Venue TBC.

Where does your sister do dance?

Why?

Because the show will be 20 miles South of there

Which way is South?

If your child is a Syringe in the ‘Recycling is Healthy not Wealthy’ number please ensure they wear their hair in a high pony tail.

Are you a syringe?

Yep, look at my twirl

If your child is ALSO in the ‘High kicks and brown sticks’ number please can they have a low ponytail with a light brown ribbon.

Are you in the ‘High Kicks and brown sticks’ dance?

Mum you’re not watching… look at my twirl

ARE YOU in the ‘High kicks and brown sticks’ dance?

I dunno

If your child is ONLY a Syringe and NOT a stick then please ensure they have arrive at the Venue (TBC) 2 hours prior to the show.

ARE YOU A STICK?

No Mum I’m fine

Not ‘ARE YOU SICK?’ are you a stick in the show?

Oh, Miss Sandra did say something about brown ribbons

The show will start at 6.30pm.

We’ll probably have to get there earlier if you are both

If your child is a STICK ONLY please make sure they arrive at the venue, complete with ribbon, 30 minutes before the show. STICKS ONLY must have medium height ponytails and brown fingerless gloves.

Where on earth will I get brown fingerless gloves from?

Bobby’s mum made some out of a paper bag. Miss Sandra said that was an EXCELLENT example of Recycling

If your child is both a stick and a syringe please can they arrive 4.5 hours prior to the show.

Oh. My. God.

ALL children must have a named packed lunch, a sun hat and suncream.

Mum what does ‘example’ mean?

What on earth will you need suncream for?

Please can I remind you that photography is STRICTLY forbidden during the dance performance but you will be able to purchase a video of the performance. Videos cost £95 and all proceeds will go to Prancy, our mascot cat’s retirement fund.

FFS.

Many thanks for your cooperation.

Miss Sandra

There is no form to complete.

But mum, Miss Sandra says we HAVE to hand it in on Monday

Hand WHAT in?

Maybe we could just take the letter back… in my book bag…

Yeah, maybe just hand the letter back.

This is my twirl, see…MUM are you watching?