Problems with being an Instamum

Thought I’d share with you a little cycle that happens in my life approximately once every other month. Lets call it the ‘I want to be a radiant, healthy, smug, yoga loving mum’ cycle.

I will have indulged in some misspent minutes (hours) pouring over pictures on instagram of ultra fit, uber confident, unnaturally flexible, in your face health moms who are #sorrynotsorry about their #perfect bodies and their #serene lives because #YOLO.

Whilst scrolling through their pictures and hating them (soz Instamums) I decide that I want to be them. Because who cares if you’re hated if you’re #blessed. Right?

So I start with my kids. Sorry kids. Sausages and mash aint going to cut the mustard if I’m going to be flexible Instamum (mmmm mustard and sausages). You, my little posse, are going to have to snack on pumpkin seeds and avocado if i’ve got a hope in hell of joining the healthy Instamums. I don’t care how much I filter that pic of you eating fish fingers, dribbling ketchup and watching Paw Patrol, it’s just not going to fit with my new image, even the Valencia filter isn’t going to save you now. Eine problem. My kids don’t like seeds. Or avocado. Or sweet potato. Or even normal potatoes sometimes. But not to worry. I can sneak these foods into regular food, that they like. You can get pasta that looks like pasta but is actually courgette. Did you know that? It looks like noodles, it feels like noodles (it does NOT taste like noodles) but it isn’t noodles. Perfect. So I buy the cookbook and head off on my merry way to become one of the instamums.

Unfortch it’s not long until we run into our first problem. I don’t have the ingredients. Not really sure how I didn’t anticipate this problem as TBH unless the recipe consisted of baked beans, milk and a splash of flat prosecco then the odds were against me; I was not going to have the ingredients to hand. No matter, I think, no shopping trip is too much for instamum. Even if I do have to take the unpredictables with me.
Come on crew, into town we go.
‘Mummy why are you wearing gym clothes? are you going to have another baby?’
‘Shush short one, I always wear these, all the Instamums do’
Quick stretch and we’re off.
Look at ingredients list. Gawd, did you know posh cooks cant spell- it’s c-o-c-o-a, not cacao. Oh no hold on, thats a thing apaz. Knew that, silly Instamum!
What the bloody hell is coconut oil? and where would that be found exactly? With the suncream? NB: Coconut oil does not look like oil and costs approx £20 a millilitre and if you live somewhere hugely middle class like Tunbridge Wells it will probably have sold out. The real Instamums beat you to it and are selling it on the suburban white market. Damn.
Next ingredient is equally unfamiliar so you spend the next 20 minutes stalking someone wearing Sweaty Betty gear and carrying a child in a sling whilst doing bicep crunches with some coconut milk. She’ll know where the buckwheat is hidden for sure. She looks at you a little strangely so you raise your almond milk in greeting hoping she’ll recognise you as a kindred spirit but you catch sight of your reflection and realise that your gym kit makes you look a little like your on benefits and your gesture was more threatening than familiar.

I’m home. We’ve all fallen out. Never mind. There are homemade sugar free au natural immune boosting treats to be made. We’ll all laugh happily whilst we eat them and wonder how we thought that artificial processed food was acceptable fodder for our temple like bodies. Or something.
Get to work- children, stir these avocados and sprinkle in this cacao whilst I take a picture of you chuckling, no not chucking, chuckling. What? oh never mind, yes you can watch Paw Patrol now. So I finish the baking but have run out of raw honey (WTF, isn’t it all raw?) But I do have a little golden syrup so splash that in instead and realise that by adding golden syrup I have technically breached the no sugar rule and now I have calorie heavy treats with the added twist of some mushed up avocado. So I could have given the kids a biscuit with an avocado on the side. Right. Oh well, they wouldn’t have eaten the avocado anyway so at least this way i’m getting the avocado into them right? Wrong. They spit it out. I’m not sure what planet I was on when thinking that they would buy this. The little sods can sniff a health trick a mile off. My daughter doesn’t like anything unknown in her food whatsoever- she has actually been known to be able to sieve herbs out of bolognese with her teeth, it’s quite a party trick.

I’m tired, I flick the kettle on and get the chocolate digestives out and eat them whilst perusing future healthy recipes. This one looks good, but WTF is baobab when it’s at home? Forget it. The ‘I want to be a radiant, healthy, smug, yoga loving mum’ cycle is complete and normal business has resumed. If my body is a temple then it’s time for communion; bread and wine anyone? Can’t touch my toes anyway.

I have been nominated as Best Comic Writer in the Mumsnet Blogging Awards 2016. If you would like to vote for me you can do so here






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